All,
Due to the holiday weekend, my updates may be sporadic since regular Internet access may be difficult.
So today I received my first monthly assignment from the Brothers for my oblate process. These are personal reflections and are between myself and the Oblate Director. I can say that the questions are rather thought provoking and I am looking VERY forward to sitting down to write out my thoughts on those items. They are designed to help assist me on my journey and based on what I've read so far...these will take some time and energy to produce. At this point I'm planning on working on them next week in the evenings while I'm in Jersey for my new job!
Today's reading from The Rule was extremely short but it's point was very clear (as you should expect by now :-) The prior reading discussed Jacob's ladder. Today elaborates on that point and gives some really interesting thoughts. The ladder when it's up represents our life on earth. "If we humble our hearts the Lord will raise it to heaven." (RB 7:8) Which is the entire point of humility, to ascend towards God. It says our bodies and souls represent the sides of the ladder, and that this divine vocation makes up the space where the steps of discipline and humility are so that we may climb.
Using the ladder in this example and comparing it to our human frame and the ideals of the Order is clever and unique from many of the things I've ready thus far. But it does make sense that we look to our bodies and souls in this respect and I think, rather than the more negative alternatives that are out there.
The final thought is the one that hits on what I want to talk about tonight, "The first step of humility, then, is that a man keeps the fear of God always before his eyes (Ps 35[36]:2) and never forgets it." (RB 7:10)
Now.
This is fascinating to me because I don't know that I consider myself to look at God in a fearful manner. And I think herein lies my disconnect for so many years. I mean, I talk to Him. Ask Him questions and for help. But it never occurred to me to "fear" Him. I've read it in the Bible several times...but I guess shrouded by the face of Jesus, MOST of us look more to the kinder gentler side of our faith because it's easy and reduces anxiety. I'm not going to just start "fearing" God, although I can say that after the last few years of my life, I am beginning to see that fear become more prevalent. I KNOW that God is loving and watches over me, I also know that at any time I'm done if that's His will. And learning about His will and His plan for me....now that scares me. SO if I fear anything as it relates to God...it was and still is the reconciliation of the complete lack of control I have in many aspects of my life.
What this does for me is understand what this "fear" is about. Thinking about this reading most of the day, I am afraid. I have weaknesses I don't like to share. I have anxieties about things...and I turn to God for help. Interestingly...I'm always afraid He will say no. Not hear me. Typical human responses to bad situations. God is a very LARGE concept AND a very PERSONAL one. And as I think more about this, I can see more and more how "fear" is a part of my faith, but I certainly wouldn't say it's "always before my eyes" and I think that's a choice.
In order for me to begin the journey of humility and start climbing my own ladder, I need to really think about this. God can do all things, and controls both the good and the trials. Knowing and recognizing that lack of control is fear enough for me, and in that respect I do fear God. Now I need to keep that more on the forefront, and not use subtle human nuances to reduce the impact of God in my life.
A brilliant string of thoughts created this simple part of the rule. Amazing how 3 short verses invoke so much commentary. Love it!
Pax!
Nick
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