Unfortunately, not all things in life are easy nor convenient, and this week has not only been a significant challenge for me, but one of the hardest weeks I've had in over a year. I do many groups and volunteer my time for a bunch of stuff...and over time while I love those things, they can just eat at a person. I'm pleased to say that many of the Benedictine teachings within the Rule really address many of these things and just further prove to me how fragile I really am much of the time and in so much need of God's presence and ability to share the load through Jesus.
Once of the things the Rule discusses at length on numerous occasions is "grumbling". Now most of us would consider this to be an outward sign. True...Lord knows I have my fair share of grumbling about things in my life. Things that aren't "fair". Things I miss or can't do, and other things I lament because of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. This time of year always reminds me of those shortcomings, and then gets exacerbated by all the other things I try to tackle which for some reason always seem to hit all at once. Right now.
But on the radio the other night while I was driving home late after one of my zillion meetings, David Jeremiah on his radio show snippets they play from time to time was talking about "grumbling" although he used another word for it. In fact 7 words. It was a speaker series on things the world was missing, and this one was all devoted to morals. What I liked about it was the things he used. One of those things was a rather unpleasant few items, one was adultery and the other divorce. For adultery we all know that's wrong. Further those of us wiser Catholic gents know that adultery is more than just the physical manifestation of cheating, but also with your eyes and your mind. Always sobering.
The divorce discussion was actually striking. Sure he talked about what we consider to be divorce. The breaking of a Godly marriage for usually stupid reasons or for our own "convenience" or life circumstances that aren't "fair". But he went one deeper on me which was the divorce you cause in your heart for smaller things. Things like prayer. A relationship with God, etc. Now while I though this over in the car and again this evening, I was struck how similar this related in my mind to Benedict's view of grumbling. The Rule is clear that a monk even with grumbling in his heart should be reproved for his egregious ways and should admit such faults to his brothers so that he won't be ensnared further by his own sinfulness.
To bring it all full circle, that's what hit me. I had been REALLY grumbling in my heart toward many people, close friends, family, and some of the things I care the most about. It amazes me how something so small like that can be so enhanced by a combination of no time and an exponential increase in stress. I always say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...and man...God had my number this week with what can only be described as a super test...that I failed miserably.
Now while I know I can do penance and work my way back in His grace, man is it going to be slow going. I can already feel it. The slow feeling responses in prayer...thanks to the stress. My lack of focus on things...it's a real challenge for me right now. So while the stressors I had been feeling have roughly passed...now other things are attacking me because I'm so worn down. Things I buried the hatchet on, things I supposedly got over...its that damn devil throwing everything including the kitchen sink at me and I'm not doing so hot. That's how this always goes.
I learn so many wonderful things about myself every year from the things I do. What I love to do. Who I enjoy spending time with. My jealousies and hatred on things, and a stark reminder of my limited human capacity to handle many things thrown in my way. Some of us are built to handle it...I'm just not. But it doesn't deter me. Somehow. I feel like I am a sucker sometimes....or even stupid for continuing to tolerate some of the things I put myself into, but when I step back I always somehow see the end goal in the future worth the fighting, the struggle, the stress and the failure. It's an almost inhuman pursuit of what COULD be.
I'm not a perfect man..far from it. And I have no idea what a perfect future would look like in the tangible sense. What I DO KNOW...is that God is perfect, His love for me is perfect. And these shenanigans going on in my life right now are all a part of His plan for me...which is almost always a burdensome event that presses me to reach out even harder than before. Now if only I could find the pissed off, OFF SWITCH! Man we would be golden then!
Pax!
Nick
No comments:
Post a Comment